17

The failure of my life took place in the 12th grade. I wanted to qualify for a national English contest to thank my late English tutor for all that he had taught me and done for me. Although I had the best written paper the teachers decided upon a tie between me and my competitor who had taken part in national contests two years on a row. We got to the tie and she qualified for the nationals to the delight of the entire class and the teachers of English across Braila, my native town. I think it was some sort of vendetta between English teachers. They couldn't stand the fact that my English tutor was the best in the county. So his pupils had to be put in their place. What did I get from that experience? I realised that when you excel at something people are going to envy you and try to emulate you even if they lack talent. In Romania envy is the buzzword. I've also realised I am afraid of competition, people not respecting my rights and being duped. As a reaction I decided never to master anything else. No one is going to envy you if you are not a specialist at something, right? And not to stand out. And not to compete for anything. And not to fight for my rights because it's all in vain. Learned helplessness. Lack of motivation. Anhedonia. To this day I think of this failure as the one that changed me as a person. I foolishly believed I lived in a just world. It wasn't so. The pettiness of Romanians and foreigners alike follows me everywhere even to this day. I accept it all because I am incapable of fighting it. However, should I ever have the chance for revenge, I will gladly take it.