22

Just one of those days when you know your life is a show filled with imbeciles stalking you everywhere and pushing the boundaries of stupidity. To know that I have been under extreme scrutiny this entire time and obstacles have been put in my way to temper my enthusiasm is quite frankly disgusting. I have no proof of this hit-show so I am left being ucked by Romanians and foreigners alike. Of course it is frustrating, of course it is stupid, of course I am the only one who cares. And one of these days when I leave the country for some remote hit hole let's see how many Romanians are going to stalk me there. What can I say? Thanks for putting my intelligence to the test y'all. It must be really hard being this stupid.

21

One of the disadvantages of going with the flow is that you might reach a dead-end at some point in your life. Then will be the time to pause and reflect and make a SWOT analysis of yourself. No satisfying relationships? Maybe it's because you're weird or an sshole. No job? Maybe it's because you're not qualified enough and you haven't tried a lot of things growing up to help you decide what career you wish to pursue. I know I am stating the obvious but maybe you should just take some time to take down your idea of a perfect life. What kind of people would you like to be friends with? What kind of job would you like? What about your partner and family? Any thoughts on them? Start there. Then identify your strengths and during a brainstorming session figure out ways in which you can put them to good use. For example I feel alive when I am writing stuff. I seem to have linguistic intelligence. I enjoy playing with words and my style is rather concise and straightforward. I also enjoy taking photographs, blogging, making simple videos, creating in general. I know that I don't have formal training on the matter but I feel better doing it as an amateur and getting better by the day. In general you should try as many things as possible to see the area you are drawn to and then focus on that. You will have experience in different fields (breath) as well as mastery (depth). Make stuff. Even if it's hitty. The most important thing is that you transmit something. Don't worry about the haters. Just make stuff.

20

I get asked so many questions nowadays and put in situations that would make me betray my thoughts. It's alarming how gullible I am to put my trust in absolute strangers and of course I feel guilty for doing so. It's so hard to fight against a sea of intrusive individuals who won't get the hint of leaving me alone. On the other hand. guess what would happen if everyone just left me alone? So, yeah. A lot of personal questions about my family, my love life, my job, my friends, everything, you name it. It's frustrating not being able to tell someone to uck off because they might complain and get you sent to jail. Uffa. Coupled with my tendency to fall for people who cause me harm it's a ticking bomb. One of these days everything will go to hell.

19

The first time I was hospitalised was in 2011. I somehow sensed danger and ended up in the loony bin for wanting to solve the problem. My mother took me out of the hospital and I left town. In the other town I received a diagnosis and treatment for a mental disease I did not have. Who cared? People decided I had to be made to believe I was crazy. I was later hospitalised twice. They said I had psychosis but that wasn't true. The voices I heard in my house, apartment and hospital were not  in my head. The thing is I am not entirely sure I didn't have a hallucination. Hallucination which could have been provoked by taking medicine without having a mental disease or being drugged. So a big framing made by idiots to ruin my life. I've learned that in this world it's better to not stand out because you will attract envy and aggression into your life. Better blend in, appear imperfect and mingle. Don't say too much about yourself and do what everybody else is doing. My greatest wish right now is to find out who ruined my life and why and to stop taking the medication which can result in greater disease. I long for it, I dream of it, I want to have the freedom that was taken away from me. And somehow I will do just that. As for the belief that people have rights that should be respected I left it all behind. There are greater things than human rights in this life. All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others and I've been living a lie this whole time. Thanks, y'all.

18

Friends: how to have them? No clue. I've reached an age when I realised I've never had any real friends just enemies preoccupied with finding my weaknesses. Although I need human contact no one is willing to show up for me. I've been famous, not so famous, then famous again. People have gathered around me for as long as I have been willing to put on my mask and continue with the show. When disease struck (if I have a disease) everyone around me just moved on with their lives. It is interesting to know that in Romania people only want to be friends with people who fit the norm, people who have prestige and are successful. All other relationships are fake. Hell, I want to be friends with people who have prestige. Although I also need emotional support I get that from books. Identifying reading as a coping mechanism was a life-changer for me. Next stop: cooking. Hopefully I'll learn something new and change my gloomy attitude towards life. Let's face it: with age one becomes more picky having learned their life lessons. No one is good enough for them anymore. All people have some way of getting on your nerves. It would be grand if we could live our lives without human contact but this sort of life affects one's health and prospects for success. In the end you don't know which way to go: expose yourself and risk being undermined and copied, hold secrets and risk dealing with paranoid people. Uffa.

17

The failure of my life took place in the 12th grade. I wanted to qualify for a national English contest to thank my late English tutor for all that he had taught me and done for me. Although I had the best written paper the teachers decided upon a tie between me and my competitor who had taken part in national contests two years on a row. We got to the tie and she qualified for the nationals to the delight of the entire class and the teachers of English across Braila, my native town. I think it was some sort of vendetta between English teachers. They couldn't stand the fact that my English tutor was the best in the county. So his pupils had to be put in their place. What did I get from that experience? I realised that when you excel at something people are going to envy you and try to emulate you even if they lack talent. In Romania envy is the buzzword. I've also realised I am afraid of competition, people not respecting my rights and being duped. As a reaction I decided never to master anything else. No one is going to envy you if you are not a specialist at something, right? And not to stand out. And not to compete for anything. And not to fight for my rights because it's all in vain. Learned helplessness. Lack of motivation. Anhedonia. To this day I think of this failure as the one that changed me as a person. I foolishly believed I lived in a just world. It wasn't so. The pettiness of Romanians and foreigners alike follows me everywhere even to this day. I accept it all because I am incapable of fighting it. However, should I ever have the chance for revenge, I will gladly take it.

16

Can't help but notice that I am surrounded by demanding people who promote a culture of excellence and high-achievement. I wonder why that is. Growing up I placed little demands on myself and managed to cut myself some slack. I've always thought self-flagellation and holding oneself to surreal standards stems from narcissistic, abusive parents. I don't see the rationality behind it. I guess companies nowadays have learned to exploit our feelings of not being good enough and our desperation to put food on the table and ask us to do the impossible. It's this sort of strange exchange between sadists and masochists where the sadists exploit one's low self-worth while the masochists willingly submit to being tormented. I've noticed that whenever I put my strengths on the table there's always going to be one motherucker to turn them into weaknesses. People love bringing me down. Oh, well. I just hope they don't wake up one day and another motherucker is pulling the same stunt on them.