17

The failure of my life took place in the 12th grade. I wanted to qualify for a national English contest to thank my late English tutor for all that he had taught me and done for me. Although I had the best written paper the teachers decided upon a tie between me and my competitor who had taken part in national contests two years on a row. We got to the tie and she qualified for the nationals to the delight of the entire class and the teachers of English across Braila, my native town. I think it was some sort of vendetta between English teachers. They couldn't stand the fact that my English tutor was the best in the county. So his pupils had to be put in their place. What did I get from that experience? I realised that when you excel at something people are going to envy you and try to emulate you even if they lack talent. In Romania envy is the buzzword. I've also realised I am afraid of competition, people not respecting my rights and being duped. As a reaction I decided never to master anything else. No one is going to envy you if you are not a specialist at something, right? And not to stand out. And not to compete for anything. And not to fight for my rights because it's all in vain. Learned helplessness. Lack of motivation. Anhedonia. To this day I think of this failure as the one that changed me as a person. I foolishly believed I lived in a just world. It wasn't so. The pettiness of Romanians and foreigners alike follows me everywhere even to this day. I accept it all because I am incapable of fighting it. However, should I ever have the chance for revenge, I will gladly take it.

16

Can't help but notice that I am surrounded by demanding people who promote a culture of excellence and high-achievement. I wonder why that is. Growing up I placed little demands on myself and managed to cut myself some slack. I've always thought self-flagellation and holding oneself to surreal standards stems from narcissistic, abusive parents. I don't see the rationality behind it. I guess companies nowadays have learned to exploit our feelings of not being good enough and our desperation to put food on the table and ask us to do the impossible. It's this sort of strange exchange between sadists and masochists where the sadists exploit one's low self-worth while the masochists willingly submit to being tormented. I've noticed that whenever I put my strengths on the table there's always going to be one motherucker to turn them into weaknesses. People love bringing me down. Oh, well. I just hope they don't wake up one day and another motherucker is pulling the same stunt on them.

15

I've come to think lately about those who rule our world. It seems to me that the stupid and the crazy are leaders in this world. The stupid because they have unquestionable belief in themselves and the crazy because nothing draws people in like irrational behaviour. You have the ones who believe in the Law of Attraction knowing that people are capable of knowing your thoughts and feelings and behaving accordingly. You have the ones that believe in karma knowing that people are just stalking each other and giving each other a hard time just because. You have the ones who swear on the Bible. You have the ones who think faith can move mountains. All a bunch of stupid, irrational people who can make your life a living hell. It's frustrating to know they are the ones who run the world. It makes me wonder why bother going to school in the first place. On the one hand you are expected to learn stuff, develop critical thinking and live life according to your own terms, on the other you are expected to be kept in line by other people. Uffa. How confusing.

14

During a training on how to present yourself at an interview one of the girls who played the interviewers told a participant "Be serious". I remember I just wanted to smack the itch. She seemed to me like one of those annoying diots who can't stand people who are telling jokes, laughing and having a good time because they think humour is not being recognized by the subconscious mind and all people are governed by their subcoscious minds. These orons will make it their business to turn your life into a living hell just because they are stupid enough to do so. They don't appreciate jokes, they hate being laughed at, they hate happy people just because they have a stick up their ss. To them the world is just one tragedy after another and they take life very seriously. They don't see the joke in all this madness and they are intent on ruining the day for you. They should be put out of their misery quickly if you ask me. Since everything is so serious to them one wack on their heads would prove beneficial. It will surely take the stick out of the sses. We, the fun people, will continue to do our thing and laugh at their expense. Man, it's hard being this stupid.

13

AIESEC: one of the world's largest student organization. Prouding themselves with educating leaders. I remember when a girl who lived in my dorm told me about them and since I was curious I applied for a place in their organization. It was a thorough interview in which one of the interviewers said the n word just to provoke me and I had to play the role of a person who stood up for minority rights. I got in and attended a weekend in which I was told all my friends would be from AIESEC and had to answer stupid questions ("What animal would you be?") and play stupid games for AIESECers to see just how obedient we could be. I somehow got the feeling they were some kind of weird organization with weird rules that prized conformity and manipulation and decided to get the ell out. I did just that although I was told I was strong with a talent for marketing. I ignored their pleas and moved on with my life. What I now suspect is that you don't get to choose whether you stay in AIESEC or not. Them boys and girls will come after you and ask for reasons for not staying. They will do that by manipulation and deception and they will report back to their headquarters. What I understood from AIESEC is that you joined if you wanted to have a successful career. In return they would only ask for you to uck. That's it. A small price for a ton of money afterwards, right? Although them boys from AIESEC would try to get in my pants after I left I somehow managed to keep them at bay. It seems to me that these people from AIESEC just don't seem to understand the meaning of the word "NO" and if they were a Hogwarts house they would identify as Slytherins. The whole experience of AIESEC was unpleasant and although I felt guilty for leaving them I now realize they never had my best interest at heart. They just wanted fresh meat in their organization. That did not stop me from going abroad through an AIESEC internship. They made it sound like such a big deal when in fact you payed them to give you a lousy accommodation in a poor country. I don't understand how they promote world peace by being so competitive. Oh, wait. Well, I'm glad I'm now famous thanks to me alone. Serves them right for making fun of me.

12

Self-esteem: woah, what a vast topic. The first mention of my self esteem was when my Religion teacher told me that when I believe in God I will also believe in myself. Apparently she was playing the proselytism card. During the years some more women told me that I lacked self-esteem because, hey what's a girl to do? Nobody asked them, nobody cared, they just had to put that out there. What did they mean by that? "Hey, I think you're a lut and I feel ashamed when being in your presence. You should try to start screaming uncontrollably when someone wrongs you or take revenge or just shove a boot up their sses. Some sort of emotional reaction, please. Why do you take so much hit from both men and women?"

So I took some psychological tests. Some said I had high self-esteem, others average self-esteem, others low self-esteem. It seems low self-esteem comes with a mentality of scarcity, it leads to psychological diseases such as anxiety and depression and it was most likely caused by the environment we grew up in. So if you had critical, bossy parents tough luck. However, what's interesting is that in some cases research states that narcissists have low self-esteem. So maybe your parents were also fragile on the inside. 

It doesn't take a lot to notice that the culture in which Romanians grow promotes low self-esteem. It is driven into us from the times we are children way into adulthood. Should you happen to stand up for yourself and ask for your rights you get into trouble: people are going to see you as arrogant and in some cases aggressive. So you'd better do what the heard does or the heard is going to eat you up. We like to keep the peace us Romanians. In a very passive-aggressive way.

The best way to improve your self-esteem is to doubt your automated thoughts ("I am stupid, I am not enough, I am unworthy of being happy")-find evidence against those thoughts and try stuff. In some instances what you do will bring you little successes. Build yourself up from your successes. One exercise would be to make a timeline and take down every success you can remember. Also when looking back try to think of the times you came up on top. Continue to do things that scare you and replace fear of the unknown with curiosity. Talk to yourself in a supportive voice. Use big words ("I have phenomenal coping skills"). When people try to put you down just tell them "Do you know critical people are most critical with themselves?". Reprogram your subconscious mind, use affirmations when looking at yourself in the mirror: "I am strong, I am smart, I am rich.". Take or read books on the topic of assertiveness and also take some psychological tests to identify your level of self-esteem (Rosenberg Self Esteem Scale). That's about it. So simple, right?

11

One thing I've learned about success is that it never comes when you expect it. And no matter how hard you try to copy the ones who are successful or ask for success it will always elude you. Ambition in some cases can be a bad thing. I have grown up doing my thing and being successful just because. And if people denied me my success it will soon come back to bite them in the ss. You don't have a say into which person deserves success and which doesn't. It seems there is a higher power which desides all that. Sure you can try to use deception, to trick those who are successful into thinking they are not successful, to make lists of those who are successful, to hide your shit. Sure, you can fool some people some time. But you can't fool all the people all the time. I know that I am successful. I know that I am famous. I know that I am not mad and that my success is the envy of tons upon tons of copycats. And I know they succeeded because of me. And I know if it wasn't for my genius they wouldn't have succeeded because they were too dumb to have a personality of their own. Kudos to them for having the balls of stealing their way to success. But guess what. The world knows who the original (me) and the copy is. Ha.

10

During my time spent online I came across a video of Mike Shinoda enjoying on of the songs of Subcarpati, a Romanian band. It surprised me to find out that one of those who commented on this video asked whether the people in the Subcarpati video were making fun of Americans. The video had nothing to do with Americans. On this occasion I got to understand the American way of thinking. Americans think they are the center of the Universe, that everything revolves around them and that they are the best in the world. Arrogant, with high self-convidence based on hard work not on intelligence, convinced that the world is theirs for the taking. Pardon my English but some of us in poorer countries are tired of Americans and their way of running the place. Although we do not doubt the merits of their founding fathers we think they are to intent on winning and shoving their positivity on everyone's throat. I, for one, enjoy making fun of Americans. Too much power fosters satire. And instead of trying to emulate Americans Romanians should stick to their guns, humour that is. Nothing disturbs power more than that.

9

A decade ago while browsing the Internet I came across an interesting legend about a Japanese girl who wanted to make 1000 origami cranes in order to end World War 2. Legend has it that if you fold 1000 origami cranes and make a wish your wish will come true. I did the foolish thing of making my wish public after completing the respective task. I asked for happiness. What happened later made me steer away from the true course of my life. I now feel I have been given the life of someone else without people showing me any mercy. Of course that leaves me frustrated and enraged that strangers got to decide the way things turned out in my life and not me. I now don't know who to trust knowing that my own family is lying to me. I feel copied by everyone and that frustrates me even more. I feel like I have to prove myself and show how great I can be and put myself under tons of pressure in order to succeed. And I wonder is this all there is? I think if I were in another country my life would have been better. I feel unhappy although I read books on the topic of happiness and made to love, which is a feeling I am uncomfortable with. My main interest is the feeling of happiness because unlike love it does not imply any suffering. My point is that you should never make your wishes public because people will always find a way to prevent you from achieving your goals. So it's best to just think of what you wish for and all will be taken care of. I observe funny coincidences in my life and these coincidences bring a smile on my face. Strangely enough what I write down seems to come true so I think there is something magical about creating. Although I am having trouble imagining I seem to be able to express myself really well in writing. You could try to have a journal in which to take down your wishes and plans for life and let things take care of themselves. I, for one, am open to everything. I go with the flow of life and do my best to keep informed. Today I have learned about the three life paths in hinduism: the knowledge path, the duty path and the love path. I think the path for me is the knowledge path. However I know people who walk all three paths and are really happy for it. Oh, well. Whatever floats people's boat.

8

Want to be famous? Just choose a taboo topic and mention it or discuss it. It is amazing how quickly people will flock to you. The best results are ensued by talking about sex. People can't get enough of that. Should you happen to be a woman talking about sex with some trace of beauty both men and women will make sure to put you in your place or start a debate on the matter. They'll think you're stupid for bringing up such a topic and of questionable reputation and since well behaved women rarely made history you'll be a star overnight. I don't think anyone will stop and think that you are using their stupidity against them. That would be just wrong. Other good topics are religion and politics. However, you won't get noticed as much. In all three cases you are bound to get in trouble as well. It works though. I state that from my personal experience. By and large people are stupid but they think of themselves as smart. With that in mind you can attack these topics, start a fire and the world will be at your feet soon. Remember, if you're a woman things are going to get really hardcore for you. Now, you could become famous through hard work but that will take you ages. Why not take the easy route? Enjoy your gains.

7

I'm currently trying to finish some German courses on a platform called deutsch.info. As interesting as the courses are I think I haven't learnt a thing because I did not take the time to repeat the words I came across. It is frustrating to realize your memory isn't what it used to be and you lack motivation to learn anything new. I remember learning English: I learned it by heart with dedication and the will to do something with my life. Now it seems my personality has changed and although I am interested in learning a new language I am not willing to put in the work. I just need some sort of device that will ensure I learn the language fast and well. Perhaps this sort of device will be available in the future. Until then I just torment myself for lacking motivation and for being good only at one foreign language which is true for most people in the world. Mediocrity never hurt so bad. You want to learn a new language? Just get yourself a tutor or live in the respective country for some time. These intensive online courses are not suitable for learning in depth. At least that's what I think.

6

I'm currently struggling to understand how people who are inferior to me are getting jobs. I think I know the reason. They just project an image of hard-working people who are willing to settle for anything. That is what employers want: people who close their eyes, keep their heads down and don't disturb the peace. I wonder what kind of job will be suitable for me. I'm not into freelancing because it can lead to trouble, nor into entrepreneurship because it can lead to trouble. So what I have left is being an employee. 

I have tried to ignore the fact that people are getting in my way of mastery and I am willing to put them out of their misery if they continue to do so. I have identified some of the jobs I am willing to do and am thinking of solutions to my problem. I think I should do something creative involving content, that is what I am drawn to. The market is overpopulated. However, as long as you use your authentic voice and state the obvious someone will be willing to listen to you too.

I think my school years would have been better spent if I had built some sort of portfolio to show off my skills: some writing in foreign languages, some proof of my programming skills-my own website, some school projects. What I have done so far was to blog both in Romanian and in English about myself. I need a creative outlet in order to express myself. I have noticed writing, photography and all sorts of creative activities help me stay grounded. And after I finish writing ideas pop into my head. The latest idea is some sort of photo exhibition with small tokens of wonder. It is amazing what you come across when you go for a stroll. I think people would be interested to see the beauty I find in small things. 

5

How to deal with people who question your worth? Don't engage in the drama in any way. Just pretend they don't exist. If they had something to do with their lives they wouldn't focus on you. And even if they are right why should you care? Why would you let the voice of strangers drown out your self-esteem? We barely know ourselves, we barely know others, all we are capable of seeing is smoke and mirrors and then we die. Remember it is all a game of trickery in which someone who sees you as a threat attacks you just because they are frustrated and you happen to show up in their way. Ignore and then ignore some more and let them say what they have to say. You'll see how peaceful it is when you stop trying to one up others. Let it go. Focusing too much on others and not on your goals will make you unhappy and get you into trouble. Guard your goals, guard your secrets, play it safe. Remember to use affirmations so as to become your ideal self and go your own way. No pain, no criticism, no mind games. Just observe how your naysayers fight themselves. Don't engage in the drama.

4

I once wrote that neuroscience rocks. Nowadays everyone in Romania is fond of neuroscience. I am the one that started the trend, I'm sure of it. Of course it is frustrating that whatever I am fond of gets turned into a race to the top by Romanian ssholes. Let's face it there are a lot of copycats in this world. What bothers me is that they are getting away with it. Apart from that my interest in psychology and neuroscience only grows bigger. Just yesterday I came across a website about Oldham's personality types. I found out I had a strange combination of innovative and leisurely personality types combination and most of the character disorders mentioned on the website applied to me. It made me realize just how many unhealthy beliefs I had and understood that maybe, just maybe I was brought up to go slightly mad. I somehow feel I am no more than a psychological experiment of fools and that all eyes are on me. I know that I am famous worldwide and that I have a lot of haters who would like to be in my place. That's why they copy me without any trace of guilt. I am also being stalked on Goodreads by sshooles with links to pornographic sites in their description. What can I say? There are a lot of sexually frustrated people in this world. It's just annoying that they are trying to keep my mind on sex and hide the fact that I may be responsible for the greatest movement of innovation the world has ever seen.

3

There is currently a show on television that deals with esoteric knowledge. I've watched it a couple of times and remained dumbfounded. There are people out there who believe all people are the same, that the Universe conspires to give you what you want, that in your life you attract what you feel or who you are, that if you don't get what you want it means that you don't deserve it or are too dark to get it, that every action has a reaction, that God has a plan, that everything that happens makes sense in some strange way, that low emotions makes us poor and unhappy and so on. And I just watch and think to myself that people are a naive bunch. It is very difficult for me to accept the fact that there are people out there believing in such nonsense. It is even more difficult to accept the fact that the respective people are rewarded for believing in all this ullshit with money, status, happiness, safety and so on. It seems that the world is actually run by idiots who believe in everything they are told. I now understand why I've been stalked my entire life. I actually used my brain, processed pieces of information critically and refused to follow blindly or conform. And people dislike that. They don't like being told that they are nothing but mindless sheep following stupid rules of nature for thousand of years. It amazes me just how stupid and crazy people are. I don't understand how television became so bad in the last ten years. We used to have awesome television shows and quality content. It seems to me that my people is undergoing a process of dumbing down and brain washing so as to be more easily ruled. And I came to understand why some argue that if you open your mind too much your brain will fall out.

2

In 2010 I came across the world of non-formal education. I got there by chance because I was curious. What I experienced were some sort of games for kids with no meaning for me and some of my ideas being stolen by participants and trainers alike. It seems I attract diots who think they are smart and creative into my life and they copy me willing to have a better life. It's annoying, frustrating and infuriating to deal with orons who just want to be you on a daily basis. As for the European Union projects which are being implemented the vast majority of them are stolen ideas. The people in high places like that. They like giving money to thieves. As long as you don't get caught things will go wonderful for you. By the way do you think the European Union really promotes peace with all the violence which is being broadcasted on television, on the Internet and in the cinema? Who knows why they started the bloody thing in the first place. Just a bunch of icks looking for things to do and more power on their hands. As for human rights, ha. Just ha. 

On the other hand things in Romania are the same. I just got accustomed to the fact Romanians are thieves, liars and ssholes. I'm one of them, aren't I? So guess what. I am also going to play your game, European Union and Romania. Bring it on otheruckers.

1

My earliest memory is me pretending to read a newspaper. I also remember not wanting to go to school. I screamed, I cried and my parents still sent me to school. During the first classes I would just sit there and not take anything down. I relied on my auditory memory. I did not care what I learned. I did not care about my class mates. I did not care about our teacher. I just felt a little annoyed when the teacher told everyone that I could read. What a great way to start a fire. 

There was writing and reading, English, Maths, some sewing and painting. Days went by and I just kept gathering As without bothering to recall what I had learned. I was one of the best students in class. I got prizes for good grades. Things were going swell. Some people told me that I was talented. I did not care about what they said about me. I was just happy that I painted well. What I really wanted was to paint some more, to play, to read stories and to watch cartoons in Italian. I did not enjoy Math and nobody helped me with my homework. It seemed to me that I was stuck in a boring place and I had to find a strategy for advancing to the next level of the game. 

 

                                                                       

After four years of pretending to learn I switched schools. I got in on my own merit. Romanian language, English, Latin, Maths, Chemistry, History, Art, Music, Biology, German from what I recall. I was the third in my class during four more years and things went swell as well. I liked Biology, English, Romanian, German and Art. Wished I could spend my days painting. These were the times when I would sit in my room and paint and forget about the world, even though my art teacher told me I was attracted to kitsch. I would do my homework with music in the background. I would also go to the movies (The Matrix, Gladiator), watch MTV Video Music Awards and sitcoms. I stuffed my head with pieces of information then forgot everything I took in. Wished there was some way to get some of my class mates off my back, including my desk mate Ramona who would torment me to teach me the law of karma. I just did not care about what she had to say about me. I knew I was better than her. I did not realize the fierce competitiveness going on.

High school was the point where I realized I wasn't the brightest fish in the pond. Again I just did not care. What interested me was a winning strategy: how to get enough good grades so as to get out of town. I participated in some English contests, I answered the most intrusive questions from my class mate Elena who struggled to temper my feelings of superiority in vain. I tried to stay under the radar again not being aware of the fierce competitiveness going on. Teachers would say stuff to me I would just forget about it the next day because, you've guessed it, I just did not give a damn about anybody or anything. Wished there was some sort of assertiveness training for pupils who were being targeted by their class mates. Nobody hurt my feelings because I was too naive to understand what they were getting at and knew I was better than all of them. 

College came and went. I did not care what I learned, I thought going out would help improve my social skills, I got lousy grades, I was looked upon as being stupid. The same old story. A bunch of competitive uckers who were just put there to test me. I did not care about them, I did not care about my teachers, I only cared about getting my bachelor's, which I did. Then master's followed. Nothing out of the ordinary. Good grades, passed my dissertation exam. Yay. Did not stop for a second to think about how I could have improved the curriculum, what I would have liked to learn. Was busy with getting some additional competitive ssholes of my back. What can I say? It seems that I attract abusers into my life. Wished there was some sort of wit course we could all take and some body to which we could report cases of stalking and cyberstalking. 

 

Then I went to Holland for a training on self-directed learning. I went there out of curiosity. I had the strange impression they were going to teach me painting in a week's time. After coming back home I was hospitalized. I left town and started taking medicine for psychological problems. It seems the abuse I was subjected to finally got to me. I was hospitalized three times although to this day I believe there is nothing wrong with me psychologically. 

I tried to lead a normal life but people would insist on happening. I am not a people person. I've always felt superior to your average Joe and would look for ways to get ahead. I've met people who seemed strange to me at first sight but who would prove useful in the long run. I still had no idea what to do with my life, what I should've learned, what I should've done. Took some occupational tests and found out I was Artistic-Social. Great. Also found out about positive psychology and the Law of Attraction. Both seemed like ullshit to me. 

Got a job, tried to ignore the competitive ssholes working there, was later fired. At first I felt desperate, then I felt happy. I got out. Yay. 

Started reading psychology, neuroscience, bussiness and fiction books. Learned about myself which I realized was something I have always wanted to do. Expressed myself through different blogs, experimented, implemented some of my ideas. People took notice of them although nobody told me so. They just thought I was stupid enough to go along with their masterful deceit. What I should have learned: storytelling, painting, foreign languages, self-defense, financial education, emotional intelligence, creative writing, social media, photography, ethical hacking, psychology, neuroscience, data analysis, creative coding, learning to learn, entrepreneurship, web development. 

Damn.